Kicker Rankings: Week Fourteen

Growing up as a soccer player, I’m not unfamiliar with kicking a ball between two posts. What you may not realize is this, the good soccer players keep the ball under the crossbar and the bad soccer players go play football. So here’s my list of the top fantasy bad soccer players who are making a lot more money this weekend than I will be. May these fine men kick it over the crossbar early and often for your fancy football team.

NOTE: Weather reports are important for kickers late in the season, so I’ve included the forecasted weather for their game day. Keep an eye on it, if something get’s crazy, have another plan.

1. Steven Hauschka, SEA vs. STL (47F, fog)
What the Steven Hauschka are you thinking Mat? Yeah, it’s a bit of a bold move, but here’s what I have to back it up. The Seahawks have been scoring a lot more lately. Seattle’s had nine touchdowns in the last three weeks, compared to two in the four weeks prior to that. Hauschka has converted fifteen of his last seventeen field goal attempts as well, so he’s been mostly consistent. The Rams have allowed 12 field goals in the last four weeks alone, not to mention another seven extra points made in that stretch. Hauschka should get a minimum of three field goals this Monday night and a couple of extra points to go with it. And by the way, he’s available in 94 percent of ESPN leagues.

2. Jason Hanson, DET vs. MIN (dome)
Now to the more conventional picks, like old Jason Hanson. The eldest Hanson brother has been “MMMbopping” balls through the uprights at an alarming pace this season, but that production has stalled a bit in the last month and change. In fact, he’s missed three of his last four field goal attempts and only had seven attempts in his last five games. So what’s going to turn around this week? First, he’s got a new set of bright green tennis balls on the feet of his walker. Second, he plays against the Vikings, who have allowed 25 PATs in the last seven games. That’s over three and a half touchdowns per game. Beyond that, the Vikings allowed Hanson to boot four field goals when they played earlier this season in Minnesota. Hanson could repeat that performance and then some against a defense that couldn’t even stop people from seeing Adam Sandler movies.

3. David Akers, SF at ARZ (dome)
Believe it or not, David Akers is on pace to have his best scoring season in his fine career. I’m fairly convinced that it doesn’t have to do with the new time zone or the coastal shift, but the fact that he now plays for a team that likes to score in threes and not in sevens. Akers is on pace to attempt only 34 extra points this season, which is fewer than he’s attempted in any of his 11 previous full seasons, but conversely he’s on pace to line up for an insane 49 field goals, which is nine more than he’s ever had in any season. It makes sense that Akers should see some more opportunities this weekend against the team that has yielded the most field goal attempts this season (34). Three weeks ago, Akers faced the Cardinals and tried six field goals but only made three. It was his worst game of the year, but that won’t happen in the friendly confines of the dome in the desert.

4. Matt Bryant, ATL at CAR (44F, clear)
Very quietly, Matt Bryant is in the midst of his most accurate season of his career. He’s converted 20 of his 21 field goal attempts and every PAT this season. One of the main reasons for that is that he doesn’t have many opportunities from 50 yards and beyond. He’s three-for-four from beyond 50 yards in the last three years and has only attempted one kick from that distance this season. Needless to say, if you get the mega points for the “SeaBass” 60-yarders, Bryant isn’t your guy. What he does get you are plenty of high-percentage chances with a good offense. The Panthers have been on fire lately, if “on fire” means allowing kickers to score at will. Carolina has allowed nine field goals and 12 extra points in the last four weeks with nary a missed kick to speak of.

5. Billy Cundiff, BAL vs. IND (38F, clear)
Billy Cundiff has been as effective this season as good ol’ Billy Baroo. For those of you non-Caddyshack fans (liars!) out there that means he’s clutch, but prone to failure. Here’s what I mean. Cundiff has the third most made field goals (26) in the NFL this season. However, among the top 17 scoring kickers in the NFL this season, Cundiff has the worst field goal percentage (76.5%). So he’s a scorer that will let you down on occasion. I would wager that this weekend will not be one of those let downs. The Colts have been… well so bad that future generations will compare unbelievable ineptitude to this year’s version of the Colts. They’ve allowed 43 extra points this season. Cundiff will get chances. ‘Nuff said.

6. Ryan Longwell, MIN at DET (dome)
I think I may have mentioned this in an earlier kicker article this season, but it is a pastime of mine as a Viking fan to say “it’s long enough and well enough” as Ryan Longwell boots a field goal.

For the most part it works out, as Longwell has converted 16 of 20 field goals this season. Opportunity has been the issue here, as the Vikings have been “re-learning” their own offense with new quarterback Christian Ponder. It seems like it’s coming around a bit as they scored 32 points last week against a pretty decent Denver defense. This week they face an Ndamukong Suh-less Lions defense, which should open things up a bit for Ponder and company. The Lions have given up the second most field goals in the NFL this season including eight field goals and 14 extra points in the last four weeks.

7. Shaun Suisham, PIT vs. CLE (33F, partly cloudy)
It’s hard to trust any Pittsburgh kicker when they play eight games a year at Heinz Field. The steady winds plus the open end of the stadium make at least half of the kicks very difficult for even the best kickers. So why the Hauschka should we use Shaun Suisham on Thursday? It’s purely the matchup. The orange-helmeted team from Cleveland has given up the fourth most field goals (24) this year, and in their last three road games kickers have converted all eight field goal attempts. The Browns also boast a good pass defense, which could cause a few stalled drives in the red zone, giving Suisham the chance to boot a few through.

8. Robbie Gould, CHI at DEN (29F, clear)
I’m not sure if the Bears are on the brink of complete collapse or if they’ll decide to play tough until the end. Either way, Caleb Hanie and Marion Barber aren’t nearly as scary as Jay Cutler and Matt Forte. So the offense has hit a few speed bumps in the last few weeks, but that doesn’t mean the end of the world for Robbie Gould. For instance, Gould has hit four field goals from beyond 50 yards in the last five weeks. If you get five points for those kicks, that’s like almost four touchdowns in five weeks. I’d take that. Gould visits the thin air of Denver this weekend to do a little Tebow-ing of his own. Denver has given up 11 field goal attempts in the last three games, which is extremely high, just like their city. If the Vikings can put up 32 points on the Broncos, the Bears should get a few good scoring opportunities.

9. Stephen Gostkowski, NE at WAS (40F, clear)
For the life of me, I cannot remember, which letter in Steven Gostkowski’s name is silent. I’m going to go with the “G” just for fun. Do you know what else is fun? Seventeen extra points in four weeks! The Patriots score as much as the 2011 Colts give it up (see what I did there?). The Washington Redskins have allowed the most field goals (27) in football this year, and an adequate amount of extra points, making them the easiest defense a kicker gets to face all season. All Gostkowski owners need to hope for is that the Patriots defense can be slowed slightly when they near the end zone, or else it might be all extra points again.

10. Dan Bailey, DAL vs. NYG (mostly dome)
The only less-respected player on an NFL team besides a kicker may be a rookie kicker. Dan Bailey has certainly earned a fair amount of respect from his teammates this season with a 90.6 field goal percentage as a part of his 115 point season. That’s a good final tally for a kicker and he’s only three quarters of the way done. Bailey is second in the NFL with 29 field goals made including five games this season in which he’s made three or more field goals. This week’s matchup against the Giants knocks him down the rankings, but only slightly. New York has allowed only two field goals in the last three weeks, but 14 touchdowns. So, they’re just not going to stop anyone. Dallas should have no trouble finding the end zone this weekend. I just fear that there may not be more than one field goal attempt for Bailey.

Take a chance on…

Matt Prater, DEN vs. CHI (29F, clear)
Do you want to ride the hot hand? Matt Prater is coming off his best two performances of the season in the last two weeks, tallying five field goals in that span. In the Bears last trip west (two weeks ago) they allowed Sebastian Janikowski to kick six field goals.

Nick Novak, SD vs. BUF (61F, partly cloudy)
After a great start to his Chargers career, Nick Novak has missed a field goal in three of his last four games. So why play him here? The Chargers offense woke up last week in Jacksonville and the Bills allowed Rob Bironas to kick three field goals and two extra points last weekend.

Dan Carpenter, MIA vs. PHI (79F, chance of rain)
After missing two weeks with an injury, Dan Carpenter got back to work with four extra points and two field goals last week (including a 48-yard boot). It’s obvious that he’s over the injury. The Eagles have given up… and have given up nine extra points in the last two weeks.

Rob Bironas, TEN vs. NO (41F, clear)
Rob Bironas has been one of the best kickers in the NFL in the last month. He’s converted 10 of 11 field goals and all nine extra points in his last four games. The Saints have allowed 12 field goal attempts in their last four games although only eight were converted.

If you’re